Fear

Fear can be healthy... in doses, too much of anything is a bad thing and I believe I have too much of it. I have gone through my life, living based on fear, making calculated decisions that have done nothing more than hold me back, and for what gain? Living in this manner has coddled and handicapped me. I make no excuses, its not my moms fault for shielding me from the world, it's not my dads fault for being a fuck nugget and never showing up, it's not my grannys fault for being conservative, no, I own this shit. It is Dre.... but now what? Knowing that there is a problem will not solve the problem, the next step is, in my opinion, is finding out how the hell to get over that hill, but first, the REAL reason I started this is about forgiveness...

A few weeks ago, I buried someone very close to me, someone I had the opportunity to see before she passed, someone who was there for my grandma when my mom was a baby, someone whose life and family is wrapped very close to my own... went home... and I did not take the opportunity to see her. That... crushed me, it still does to an extent, but it crushed me and hit me so hard because I told my sister that it would happen... that I regretted not going because I might not get that chance. Nae, forever the optimist, said I would get another chance... and I did... in her casket... The image of her buried there is burned into my skull... I do not have a lot of regrets, and I know the cliched saying about not having any, but I have one... just one... that one. That one decision is a regret I will hold for a while and I do not think that is bad.

Before I was a Christian without fears, sinful thoughts and lacking perfection in general, I was a human, and that human side rears its head on a regular basis. I feel that feeling human emotions is healthy and ok, and right now? I am not ok with my decision and it is going to bother me, no matter how many people tell me it is "ok". It is not, not in my head, and forcing positive rhetoric on people that are not happy makes them feel worse, just FYI. Knowing her though, she forgave me, and does not want me feeling this way. If you are not a believer in a higher power, this is going to come off as strange (do not take that as judgement please), but I felt her forgiving me when I saw her in her casket. I felt her telling me to forgive myself and let that pain go, move on with my life and remember what she taught me, in life and in death.

In life, she taught me to keep God first, and that there is good in all things. She taught me the importance of family and she was a real God mother. Real as in, when I could not turn to my mom, when I could not turn to granny, when I could not get a hold of my uncle, she was there, ready and waiting. In death, she taught me that it is ok to feel sorrow, it is ok to make mistakes and it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to not be perfect, to show weakness, to be open, to own your regrets and face them and do better afterwards. In her passing, i have learned A LOT about Dre, about how strong and how weak I really am, and I am forever grateful for that. I will miss her, and I regret not seeing her, and I still get choked up thinking about her... and I know now that that is ok. This feel while I am typing, these tears... all of it... it is ok. The world is not ending (well, idk because Trump) I am just sad, and being sad is ok, but I have to get up eventually. One day I will, when I am ready, not when others are ready for me not to be sad, not when the world tells me I have grieved too long. I will be ready when I am ready....

That hurt to type out.... a lot.

Anyway, she is not the only person that passed this year, my Grandpa and his wife passed before her... and if you know anything about me, you know I do not take death well at all. It bothers me because i fear it. A long time ago, my mother said, "Life is not short, it is literally the longest thing you will ever experience... enjoy it, cherish it, but remember not one day is promised to you"... that has stuck with me for years now and 2016 has been a test. Between those deaths to me facing adulthood when I am not financially sound.... it is.... well... scaring the living shit out of me. Owning these fears helps though, because knowing you are afraid should not be a negative. Take this from someone that has lived 29 years on fear: knowing your fears is a positive.

When you know what scares you, you can prepare, you can plan, you can foreshadow, you can align yourself with success if you know what the problem is. It is how I got through college, it is how I got through high school, it is how i approach friends, conversations, relationships with trifling women, etc. I use my fears to my advantage and it has kept my head above water... sadly though... that is no longer where I want to be. Just keeping your head above water is not place for someone that wants success... In my current state, I will never reach my apex, only see it from a far in fear of failure... and that is something I grow tired of.... What will Dre do? I have no clue, no clue at all, but what I do know, is that I can not operate like this anymore and think it will help me past 30.

I guess I have two regrets, the second being not realizing this before now. Thankfully though, I have

K.I.N.G.