Fear

Fear can be healthy... in doses, too much of anything is a bad thing and I believe I have too much of it. I have gone through my life, living based on fear, making calculated decisions that have done nothing more than hold me back, and for what gain? Living in this manner has coddled and handicapped me. I make no excuses, its not my moms fault for shielding me from the world, it's not my dads fault for being a fuck nugget and never showing up, it's not my grannys fault for being conservative, no, I own this shit. It is Dre.... but now what? Knowing that there is a problem will not solve the problem, the next step is, in my opinion, is finding out how the hell to get over that hill, but first, the REAL reason I started this is about forgiveness...

A few weeks ago, I buried someone very close to me, someone I had the opportunity to see before she passed, someone who was there for my grandma when my mom was a baby, someone whose life and family is wrapped very close to my own... went home... and I did not take the opportunity to see her. That... crushed me, it still does to an extent, but it crushed me and hit me so hard because I told my sister that it would happen... that I regretted not going because I might not get that chance. Nae, forever the optimist, said I would get another chance... and I did... in her casket... The image of her buried there is burned into my skull... I do not have a lot of regrets, and I know the cliched saying about not having any, but I have one... just one... that one. That one decision is a regret I will hold for a while and I do not think that is bad.

Before I was a Christian without fears, sinful thoughts and lacking perfection in general, I was a human, and that human side rears its head on a regular basis. I feel that feeling human emotions is healthy and ok, and right now? I am not ok with my decision and it is going to bother me, no matter how many people tell me it is "ok". It is not, not in my head, and forcing positive rhetoric on people that are not happy makes them feel worse, just FYI. Knowing her though, she forgave me, and does not want me feeling this way. If you are not a believer in a higher power, this is going to come off as strange (do not take that as judgement please), but I felt her forgiving me when I saw her in her casket. I felt her telling me to forgive myself and let that pain go, move on with my life and remember what she taught me, in life and in death.

In life, she taught me to keep God first, and that there is good in all things. She taught me the importance of family and she was a real God mother. Real as in, when I could not turn to my mom, when I could not turn to granny, when I could not get a hold of my uncle, she was there, ready and waiting. In death, she taught me that it is ok to feel sorrow, it is ok to make mistakes and it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to not be perfect, to show weakness, to be open, to own your regrets and face them and do better afterwards. In her passing, i have learned A LOT about Dre, about how strong and how weak I really am, and I am forever grateful for that. I will miss her, and I regret not seeing her, and I still get choked up thinking about her... and I know now that that is ok. This feel while I am typing, these tears... all of it... it is ok. The world is not ending (well, idk because Trump) I am just sad, and being sad is ok, but I have to get up eventually. One day I will, when I am ready, not when others are ready for me not to be sad, not when the world tells me I have grieved too long. I will be ready when I am ready....

That hurt to type out.... a lot.

Anyway, she is not the only person that passed this year, my Grandpa and his wife passed before her... and if you know anything about me, you know I do not take death well at all. It bothers me because i fear it. A long time ago, my mother said, "Life is not short, it is literally the longest thing you will ever experience... enjoy it, cherish it, but remember not one day is promised to you"... that has stuck with me for years now and 2016 has been a test. Between those deaths to me facing adulthood when I am not financially sound.... it is.... well... scaring the living shit out of me. Owning these fears helps though, because knowing you are afraid should not be a negative. Take this from someone that has lived 29 years on fear: knowing your fears is a positive.

When you know what scares you, you can prepare, you can plan, you can foreshadow, you can align yourself with success if you know what the problem is. It is how I got through college, it is how I got through high school, it is how i approach friends, conversations, relationships with trifling women, etc. I use my fears to my advantage and it has kept my head above water... sadly though... that is no longer where I want to be. Just keeping your head above water is not place for someone that wants success... In my current state, I will never reach my apex, only see it from a far in fear of failure... and that is something I grow tired of.... What will Dre do? I have no clue, no clue at all, but what I do know, is that I can not operate like this anymore and think it will help me past 30.

I guess I have two regrets, the second being not realizing this before now. Thankfully though, I have

K.I.N.G.

Wrong

I hate being right...

Presence

Ok so

A few days ago, somebody asked me why I cared so much for someone. From a distance, they noticed me doing everything I could to make sure she was ok and everything going on in her life was good. The person was clearly important to me, and my friend wanted to know why i went an extra step for this other person in particular.

The two do not know one another, but i have a few reasons why, one of them being that I am a man of my word, but the main reason took place around July, in 2011. I was in a very dark place and, at that time, I legit contemplated taking myself from this world. I didnt believe I was important enough to be alive to anyone.

One night, I had the worst headache I have ever had in my life, shit was so bad, i was having convulsions and my chest looked like a bloods convention. I called everybody I could think of, but it was around 3 am and all of my friends were sleep. Im not sure what made me call her, I really dont know. She was the last person I expected to pick up seeing as me and her were not as close as we had been. I called her last for that reason alone; she was the last hope though, before I decided I was going to do something Id regret.

She answered on the first ring, its almost as if she was expecting me to call. At 3 am, she was bubbly, giddy and legit happy to hear from me. I think she had just written a blog post or a poem and wanted me to read it, sadly, I had other things to talk about. I spilled it all, told her how I felt about myself and how bad my headache was. Told her I wanted it all to end while bawling like a baby.

Hearing all of this, she didnt pretend to lose signal, she didnt tell me to pray and go to sleep, she didnt get mad before I was throwing all of this at her, nope, she started praying. Praying so loud, it was all I could hear, with so much force I could almost feel her words pushing the darkness out of me. My mind and body were calming so quickly, I almost forgot what was going on and why I called her in the first place. I couldnt keep my eyes open, I tried to thank her, tell her I think I would be ok, but, before I knew it, I was OUT. I dont think I have slept that good since then

I woke up the next day with a barrage of texts, telling me how loved I was and showing me proof from her viewpoint and that there would never be a time or day where she would not make time for me. It was that day I decided I would do the same for her. It was that day i made the pledge to be there for her, no matter how hard it got, how busy I was, no matter how much distance was between us, if she needed me, I would forever be there until God told me otherwise. Years later, Im here and I will continue to be here, always present and ready to help where I am needed.

- Dre

I'm not strong enough for this...

Dreams and Nightmares

I cant sleep
Shouldn't be this deep
But every time I close my eyes from counting sheep
I see things that make me want to throw up and just weep
I seek
Release from the anguish that is over thinking
It seeps away dreams and thoughts
I think I'm sinking
No drinking, it won't make it go away
Death and heartache are the games my mind plays
On me
It's usually one if these three:
In one, I'm happy,
Married to the best
We have a child together, a house and the rest
There's a certain unrest
I see it in her eyes
When it's time to wake up, I catch her face down in his thighs
In another, I witness the murder of a brother
His murderous rage isn't fulfilled, he wants another
Recover?
Well, I never do
And those I aided when they were down never fall through
In the last, I end up out on my ass
Best friend left me because I lacked common class
She told me she loved me, but in love was different
And didn't think I had the tools to sail her ship with
Suicide is my option, I say my goodbye
Only to find out she wanted me back from the light
I'm cursed
To walk the earth and see her in sorrow
Wishing I could hug her and come back tomorrow
These dreams and nightmares
Have my mind ensnared
Haven't had a happy dream in months I swear
I hate sleep
I wake up wanting to be free
Eyes bloodshot from the pain my dreams seek
Reoccurring heartache has left a lasting impression
I'm rambling on and on because being awake is an obsession
I'm afraid my dreams will come true,
My love will cheat,
She'll think I'm weak
Or ill learn through pain how many friends are meek
I can't sleep...
I want to put my mind at ease
But easy is relative
Gotta learn how to sail these seas
Proper preparation will keep me poised to win
Positive outlooks and swallowed pride
Controlling my mind and body and drive
No excuses...
Even though these dreams man...
These fucking dreams...

K. I. N. G.

One day

I'd like just one... One day with no bad news.. No Facebook exposing friends... No one pissed off at me for nothing... No migraine... Just one day..

Strange..

The other day, me and a very close friend or mine didn't speak for a full day.... For the first time in over a year.... Needless to say... I was bugging out. Consistency is huge for me and she is one of my biggest supporters. I needed her that day and, due to miscommunication on my end, we didn't speak. Of course, being the overthinker I am, I spent the day and night thinking about what I did or said to make her distance herself from me. Then, I came to the conclusion that she just needed space with everything going on with her right now. Really fucked my head up in all honesty and I spent too much time worked up about it.

Anyway, that night, I was laying in my bed, facing the wall with my mind racing at a million miles a minute. Have you ever been laying down on the bed and someone plopped down on the bed next to you? That sensation of the bed moving to accommodate for the weight of that person? So, I felt that, and no I wasn't dreaming and no, my door didn't open, it wasn't open but somebody sat down in my bed with me. The room felt warm and and comfortable and my mind slowed down to a halt... They began to speak and their voice was familiar... She said not to worry about my friend. She said I didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing to worry about. She said everything will be just fine and to get some rest. That my friend loves me, and I should pray for her and go to sleep.

I don't profess to know everything about everything. I don't know a lot but that... That was real... Very, very, very real. I prayed for her, like I always do and gotta more hours of sleep than I planned on getting. I'm not sure who she was, where she came from or why she deemed it necessary to speak to me in thus manner... But I am grateful she did.

Anyway, I'll stop there. Just know, Strange things have been happening to me and I'm nervous and happy about them at the same time. Stay up readers and remember to tell those you love how you feel.

~ be easy