Time

I find myself afraid... This fear is based on the choice of another and not my own.. Without giving too much away, I'm worried I've ruined something.. Something I've waited most of my adult life for... Someone that has been a constant reminder of how real God is.. Someone that has helped me with depression.. Someone that pushes me like no other... Someone I wanted to take that next step with... The ball is in her court now  and I'm afraid.. Why?

Well, I've been in similar situations before, not with her, but I've been down this road... And it always comes to a fork... Where she chooses to either believe in me or leave.. That's what it boils down to in my opinion, belief that this relationship is worth time and effort, if I'm worth that time and effort.. And it usually ends with her picking the "leave Dre" option. It's usually for a multitude of different things, they're cheating, I'm "too nice", she's moving to another state, etc. This time though.. It's.. Different...

There is time this time, friendship that runs deep.. 11 years deep.. 132 months of getting to know one another..  572 weeks of misunderstandings being solved with proper communication.. Roughly 4015 days (not counting leap years, it's late) of long talks about dreams and desires... 96360 hours of helping one another with relationships outside of ours.. 5782140 minutes of praying and seeking God on one another's behalf to ensure what we were speaking to the other came from Him... 346328400 seconds of mental clarity and comprehension of one another due to a willingness to learn more and more about one another... Time man...

Time... Its a funny concept because when one thinks of time spent in the manner that I have, the time coming takes a backseat.. I've taken time for granted, and made an asshat of myself, so now time is against me... Now, I'm waiting for her not to be angry, waiting and counting minutes and hours until it's ok to talk to her about my job hunt or the studio session tonight... Waiting... And pretending too; pretending the wait isn't bothering me or that it's making me nervous that I might have to get ready for a major rejection because time past isn't going to make up for time to come...

Not to sound pessimistic, but this time.. Time is killing me and, I'm waiting but time is passing and I'm not the type to rush... I'm rambling on now but I'm getting more comfortable writing these things out... She even helps me when our future is in doubt... Crazy... Anyway, with pride out of the way.. I can see clearly that this time, time will take its time and the perfect timing of her timely decision will decide where my mind will spend it's... Well time... Until that time... I'm in time out... Not overreacting from things I can't control but being Dre... I've learned that that's the best thing I can do at this time.. I pray that this time is different... 

~be easy