Enough...

She tells me I'm enough..
That I'm not perfect but not a closed circuit
I'm open to resistance
Willing to take more shocks
And power doesn't scare me
But are these words just that?!
Does she mean that?
Can I trust she isn't just saying it to say it?
I'm not her first choice
More like the 4th
And since the 1st, 2nd and 3rd hurt her
Whose to say she'll allow me close enough for murder?
I knock down walls and she builds them back up
Such a vicious cycle bruh
Tuh
I wonder...
Am I merely a placeholder?
Maybe 1, 2, or 3 don't think their race was over...
And as soon as they act right, I catch that cold shoulder?
God forbid I catch another
Seems like all women throw is pussy at sorry niggas and cold clavicals at guys with potentially nice figures
Lord, I pray I'm not boring.
That my stories don't make her long for 3+ stories
Jumping off like, "fuck your issue with your boss and other worries..
.. I need some excitement, let's catch a flight to Maury's"
Am I enough?
When shes upset I can't help
When she's mad I can't quell
When she's crying I can't comfort
And when she needs advice, my offer is a naive yelp
Does she see me as a man to lead her?
Does she trust my status as a leader?
Does she trust that I'll be just as I treat her?
Does she know I don't wish for my love to defeat her?
Am I enough..?
Of course I am
I'm more than
Other 3 niggas ain't got shit on me
Never been a cheater,
God is my leader,
Her light is my heater
Her drive, my theater
I watch her and push myself deeper
Don't need that ass to know she's a keeper
I still get butterflies when I see her
But..... Am I enough?

K. I. N. G.

"Inspired"

Can't sleep..

... I miss college when friends were friends and I wasn't being stalked by exs on social media

Can't sleep..

I want you to want me... Not just physical but mental... I don't want to be a need... You only need God.. But a want? A want is a decision... A want is something you know you don't need but you want it around anyway... A want is something you can do without.. It doesn't define you as a person, it won't change your mind set, it won't defile you... It only enhances who you are... A want is something you work for, something that, when you get it, you know it's worth it.. Your effort was not in vain... Your time not wasted.. You took your time and got exactly what you wanted.... And if it breaks.. You dunt toss it.. You fix it.. You clean it... You put effort into it because you want it there for as long as possible...

A need is different.. You cant do without it.. You have to have it to survive.. You rely on it... It consumes your mind and actions because you have to have it to survive... You don't need me to survive... You don't need anything I have to offer.. Love, companionship, partner in crime, etc... You don't need any of them... But if you wanted them..? Man... I just want you to want me as much as I want you... And honestly... If we are the best friends we claim to be, this will work and if it doesn't, we won't lose a thing... But this is just me wanting to be wanted.... By you and only you

K. I. N. G.

Thinking...

God doesn't force His love on people... So who am I to do so?

Rambling Man pt 2

Every time I leave her presence.. I worry.. Did I say everything right? Did I make her happy? Was she smiling because she had a good time or because it's over? Am I doing a good job? Does she have faith in us? Did I offend her?These questions run through my mind every time.. And.. I don't necessarily think that it's a bad thing...

I don't want to lose that feeling.. The feeling that she is an adult and can make her own decisions and one might be to leave.. The knowledge that, yes I'm an amazing guy, but a woman deserves more than that, and, assuming she'll stay because you're a gentleman is foolish... The feeling that I can lose her, because knowing and understanding this can help make sure I do everything in my power to keep that from happening.. I want to get more confident and comfortable with all of it but I never want to get too comfy like before... I got lax... I thought our past was enough, I didn't think she'd dip, I assumed wrong...

Maybe not this close to the edge but close enough to realize that every time I'm with her, could be my last time with her. I want to make sure she has an amazing time and never forgets these memories we share.. I know you can't rush something you want to last forever and she might decide to leave me one day... But while she's here, I'll never let a day go by without letting her know she's the most amazing person to enter my life and, after these events, she'll never forget me, no matter how far she goes..

K. I. N. G.

I Wonder

*this is 2 months late.. *

I'm starting to wonder...
If wondering about my future is a blunder
If wandering eyes should be torn from under
If, after this time, I've lost my thunder..
If I'm even ready for this.. I wonder...

Life is teaching
And I hope I'm not reaching
But life is beseeching
Me to push and keep seeking
Even when I'm told its reeking
And that I won't be reaping
Anything... I'm still reaching...

When it's dark as shit
And shit aint the same shit I started with
And the shit hits the fan and I say my first word..
Shit
Shit still, somehow, makes sense

Maybe that's why I still
Don't question how I feel
Why my love for you is so real
Really realized that realization by being still
Silent... I'm not worried about the future
More about a bill

See, I wondered, what if I'm wrong?
What if this is the same old love song?
What if she leaves and cheats? Won't be long
What if she's like everybody else?
What if I'm wrong... Again?
Back and forth like pong
But even Aaliyah came to a consensus in her song

I was wrong, wrong to question
How much time will it take to learn my lesson?
11 years fam, and I almost lost my blessing
Sitting and second guessing...
Shit man I wasted 4 months stressing...
Shit

But it's not wrong to wonder
Only wrong to let it tear you asunder
Only wrong to let it change you brother

K. I. N. G.

Time

I find myself afraid... This fear is based on the choice of another and not my own.. Without giving too much away, I'm worried I've ruined something.. Something I've waited most of my adult life for... Someone that has been a constant reminder of how real God is.. Someone that has helped me with depression.. Someone that pushes me like no other... Someone I wanted to take that next step with... The ball is in her court now  and I'm afraid.. Why?

Well, I've been in similar situations before, not with her, but I've been down this road... And it always comes to a fork... Where she chooses to either believe in me or leave.. That's what it boils down to in my opinion, belief that this relationship is worth time and effort, if I'm worth that time and effort.. And it usually ends with her picking the "leave Dre" option. It's usually for a multitude of different things, they're cheating, I'm "too nice", she's moving to another state, etc. This time though.. It's.. Different...

There is time this time, friendship that runs deep.. 11 years deep.. 132 months of getting to know one another..  572 weeks of misunderstandings being solved with proper communication.. Roughly 4015 days (not counting leap years, it's late) of long talks about dreams and desires... 96360 hours of helping one another with relationships outside of ours.. 5782140 minutes of praying and seeking God on one another's behalf to ensure what we were speaking to the other came from Him... 346328400 seconds of mental clarity and comprehension of one another due to a willingness to learn more and more about one another... Time man...

Time... Its a funny concept because when one thinks of time spent in the manner that I have, the time coming takes a backseat.. I've taken time for granted, and made an asshat of myself, so now time is against me... Now, I'm waiting for her not to be angry, waiting and counting minutes and hours until it's ok to talk to her about my job hunt or the studio session tonight... Waiting... And pretending too; pretending the wait isn't bothering me or that it's making me nervous that I might have to get ready for a major rejection because time past isn't going to make up for time to come...

Not to sound pessimistic, but this time.. Time is killing me and, I'm waiting but time is passing and I'm not the type to rush... I'm rambling on now but I'm getting more comfortable writing these things out... She even helps me when our future is in doubt... Crazy... Anyway, with pride out of the way.. I can see clearly that this time, time will take its time and the perfect timing of her timely decision will decide where my mind will spend it's... Well time... Until that time... I'm in time out... Not overreacting from things I can't control but being Dre... I've learned that that's the best thing I can do at this time.. I pray that this time is different... 

~be easy