Fear

Fear can be healthy... in doses, too much of anything is a bad thing and I believe I have too much of it. I have gone through my life, living based on fear, making calculated decisions that have done nothing more than hold me back, and for what gain? Living in this manner has coddled and handicapped me. I make no excuses, its not my moms fault for shielding me from the world, it's not my dads fault for being a fuck nugget and never showing up, it's not my grannys fault for being conservative, no, I own this shit. It is Dre.... but now what? Knowing that there is a problem will not solve the problem, the next step is, in my opinion, is finding out how the hell to get over that hill, but first, the REAL reason I started this is about forgiveness...

A few weeks ago, I buried someone very close to me, someone I had the opportunity to see before she passed, someone who was there for my grandma when my mom was a baby, someone whose life and family is wrapped very close to my own... went home... and I did not take the opportunity to see her. That... crushed me, it still does to an extent, but it crushed me and hit me so hard because I told my sister that it would happen... that I regretted not going because I might not get that chance. Nae, forever the optimist, said I would get another chance... and I did... in her casket... The image of her buried there is burned into my skull... I do not have a lot of regrets, and I know the cliched saying about not having any, but I have one... just one... that one. That one decision is a regret I will hold for a while and I do not think that is bad.

Before I was a Christian without fears, sinful thoughts and lacking perfection in general, I was a human, and that human side rears its head on a regular basis. I feel that feeling human emotions is healthy and ok, and right now? I am not ok with my decision and it is going to bother me, no matter how many people tell me it is "ok". It is not, not in my head, and forcing positive rhetoric on people that are not happy makes them feel worse, just FYI. Knowing her though, she forgave me, and does not want me feeling this way. If you are not a believer in a higher power, this is going to come off as strange (do not take that as judgement please), but I felt her forgiving me when I saw her in her casket. I felt her telling me to forgive myself and let that pain go, move on with my life and remember what she taught me, in life and in death.

In life, she taught me to keep God first, and that there is good in all things. She taught me the importance of family and she was a real God mother. Real as in, when I could not turn to my mom, when I could not turn to granny, when I could not get a hold of my uncle, she was there, ready and waiting. In death, she taught me that it is ok to feel sorrow, it is ok to make mistakes and it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to not be perfect, to show weakness, to be open, to own your regrets and face them and do better afterwards. In her passing, i have learned A LOT about Dre, about how strong and how weak I really am, and I am forever grateful for that. I will miss her, and I regret not seeing her, and I still get choked up thinking about her... and I know now that that is ok. This feel while I am typing, these tears... all of it... it is ok. The world is not ending (well, idk because Trump) I am just sad, and being sad is ok, but I have to get up eventually. One day I will, when I am ready, not when others are ready for me not to be sad, not when the world tells me I have grieved too long. I will be ready when I am ready....

That hurt to type out.... a lot.

Anyway, she is not the only person that passed this year, my Grandpa and his wife passed before her... and if you know anything about me, you know I do not take death well at all. It bothers me because i fear it. A long time ago, my mother said, "Life is not short, it is literally the longest thing you will ever experience... enjoy it, cherish it, but remember not one day is promised to you"... that has stuck with me for years now and 2016 has been a test. Between those deaths to me facing adulthood when I am not financially sound.... it is.... well... scaring the living shit out of me. Owning these fears helps though, because knowing you are afraid should not be a negative. Take this from someone that has lived 29 years on fear: knowing your fears is a positive.

When you know what scares you, you can prepare, you can plan, you can foreshadow, you can align yourself with success if you know what the problem is. It is how I got through college, it is how I got through high school, it is how i approach friends, conversations, relationships with trifling women, etc. I use my fears to my advantage and it has kept my head above water... sadly though... that is no longer where I want to be. Just keeping your head above water is not place for someone that wants success... In my current state, I will never reach my apex, only see it from a far in fear of failure... and that is something I grow tired of.... What will Dre do? I have no clue, no clue at all, but what I do know, is that I can not operate like this anymore and think it will help me past 30.

I guess I have two regrets, the second being not realizing this before now. Thankfully though, I have

K.I.N.G.

Wrong

I hate being right...

Presence

Ok so

A few days ago, somebody asked me why I cared so much for someone. From a distance, they noticed me doing everything I could to make sure she was ok and everything going on in her life was good. The person was clearly important to me, and my friend wanted to know why i went an extra step for this other person in particular.

The two do not know one another, but i have a few reasons why, one of them being that I am a man of my word, but the main reason took place around July, in 2011. I was in a very dark place and, at that time, I legit contemplated taking myself from this world. I didnt believe I was important enough to be alive to anyone.

One night, I had the worst headache I have ever had in my life, shit was so bad, i was having convulsions and my chest looked like a bloods convention. I called everybody I could think of, but it was around 3 am and all of my friends were sleep. Im not sure what made me call her, I really dont know. She was the last person I expected to pick up seeing as me and her were not as close as we had been. I called her last for that reason alone; she was the last hope though, before I decided I was going to do something Id regret.

She answered on the first ring, its almost as if she was expecting me to call. At 3 am, she was bubbly, giddy and legit happy to hear from me. I think she had just written a blog post or a poem and wanted me to read it, sadly, I had other things to talk about. I spilled it all, told her how I felt about myself and how bad my headache was. Told her I wanted it all to end while bawling like a baby.

Hearing all of this, she didnt pretend to lose signal, she didnt tell me to pray and go to sleep, she didnt get mad before I was throwing all of this at her, nope, she started praying. Praying so loud, it was all I could hear, with so much force I could almost feel her words pushing the darkness out of me. My mind and body were calming so quickly, I almost forgot what was going on and why I called her in the first place. I couldnt keep my eyes open, I tried to thank her, tell her I think I would be ok, but, before I knew it, I was OUT. I dont think I have slept that good since then

I woke up the next day with a barrage of texts, telling me how loved I was and showing me proof from her viewpoint and that there would never be a time or day where she would not make time for me. It was that day I decided I would do the same for her. It was that day i made the pledge to be there for her, no matter how hard it got, how busy I was, no matter how much distance was between us, if she needed me, I would forever be there until God told me otherwise. Years later, Im here and I will continue to be here, always present and ready to help where I am needed.

- Dre

I'm not strong enough for this...

Dreams and Nightmares

I cant sleep
Shouldn't be this deep
But every time I close my eyes from counting sheep
I see things that make me want to throw up and just weep
I seek
Release from the anguish that is over thinking
It seeps away dreams and thoughts
I think I'm sinking
No drinking, it won't make it go away
Death and heartache are the games my mind plays
On me
It's usually one if these three:
In one, I'm happy,
Married to the best
We have a child together, a house and the rest
There's a certain unrest
I see it in her eyes
When it's time to wake up, I catch her face down in his thighs
In another, I witness the murder of a brother
His murderous rage isn't fulfilled, he wants another
Recover?
Well, I never do
And those I aided when they were down never fall through
In the last, I end up out on my ass
Best friend left me because I lacked common class
She told me she loved me, but in love was different
And didn't think I had the tools to sail her ship with
Suicide is my option, I say my goodbye
Only to find out she wanted me back from the light
I'm cursed
To walk the earth and see her in sorrow
Wishing I could hug her and come back tomorrow
These dreams and nightmares
Have my mind ensnared
Haven't had a happy dream in months I swear
I hate sleep
I wake up wanting to be free
Eyes bloodshot from the pain my dreams seek
Reoccurring heartache has left a lasting impression
I'm rambling on and on because being awake is an obsession
I'm afraid my dreams will come true,
My love will cheat,
She'll think I'm weak
Or ill learn through pain how many friends are meek
I can't sleep...
I want to put my mind at ease
But easy is relative
Gotta learn how to sail these seas
Proper preparation will keep me poised to win
Positive outlooks and swallowed pride
Controlling my mind and body and drive
No excuses...
Even though these dreams man...
These fucking dreams...

K. I. N. G.

One day

I'd like just one... One day with no bad news.. No Facebook exposing friends... No one pissed off at me for nothing... No migraine... Just one day..

Strange..

The other day, me and a very close friend or mine didn't speak for a full day.... For the first time in over a year.... Needless to say... I was bugging out. Consistency is huge for me and she is one of my biggest supporters. I needed her that day and, due to miscommunication on my end, we didn't speak. Of course, being the overthinker I am, I spent the day and night thinking about what I did or said to make her distance herself from me. Then, I came to the conclusion that she just needed space with everything going on with her right now. Really fucked my head up in all honesty and I spent too much time worked up about it.

Anyway, that night, I was laying in my bed, facing the wall with my mind racing at a million miles a minute. Have you ever been laying down on the bed and someone plopped down on the bed next to you? That sensation of the bed moving to accommodate for the weight of that person? So, I felt that, and no I wasn't dreaming and no, my door didn't open, it wasn't open but somebody sat down in my bed with me. The room felt warm and and comfortable and my mind slowed down to a halt... They began to speak and their voice was familiar... She said not to worry about my friend. She said I didn't do anything wrong and there was nothing to worry about. She said everything will be just fine and to get some rest. That my friend loves me, and I should pray for her and go to sleep.

I don't profess to know everything about everything. I don't know a lot but that... That was real... Very, very, very real. I prayed for her, like I always do and gotta more hours of sleep than I planned on getting. I'm not sure who she was, where she came from or why she deemed it necessary to speak to me in thus manner... But I am grateful she did.

Anyway, I'll stop there. Just know, Strange things have been happening to me and I'm nervous and happy about them at the same time. Stay up readers and remember to tell those you love how you feel.

~ be easy

Enough...

She tells me I'm enough..
That I'm not perfect but not a closed circuit
I'm open to resistance
Willing to take more shocks
And power doesn't scare me
But are these words just that?!
Does she mean that?
Can I trust she isn't just saying it to say it?
I'm not her first choice
More like the 4th
And since the 1st, 2nd and 3rd hurt her
Whose to say she'll allow me close enough for murder?
I knock down walls and she builds them back up
Such a vicious cycle bruh
Tuh
I wonder...
Am I merely a placeholder?
Maybe 1, 2, or 3 don't think their race was over...
And as soon as they act right, I catch that cold shoulder?
God forbid I catch another
Seems like all women throw is pussy at sorry niggas and cold clavicals at guys with potentially nice figures
Lord, I pray I'm not boring.
That my stories don't make her long for 3+ stories
Jumping off like, "fuck your issue with your boss and other worries..
.. I need some excitement, let's catch a flight to Maury's"
Am I enough?
When shes upset I can't help
When she's mad I can't quell
When she's crying I can't comfort
And when she needs advice, my offer is a naive yelp
Does she see me as a man to lead her?
Does she trust my status as a leader?
Does she trust that I'll be just as I treat her?
Does she know I don't wish for my love to defeat her?
Am I enough..?
Of course I am
I'm more than
Other 3 niggas ain't got shit on me
Never been a cheater,
God is my leader,
Her light is my heater
Her drive, my theater
I watch her and push myself deeper
Don't need that ass to know she's a keeper
I still get butterflies when I see her
But..... Am I enough?

K. I. N. G.

"Inspired"

Can't sleep..

... I miss college when friends were friends and I wasn't being stalked by exs on social media

Can't sleep..

I want you to want me... Not just physical but mental... I don't want to be a need... You only need God.. But a want? A want is a decision... A want is something you know you don't need but you want it around anyway... A want is something you can do without.. It doesn't define you as a person, it won't change your mind set, it won't defile you... It only enhances who you are... A want is something you work for, something that, when you get it, you know it's worth it.. Your effort was not in vain... Your time not wasted.. You took your time and got exactly what you wanted.... And if it breaks.. You dunt toss it.. You fix it.. You clean it... You put effort into it because you want it there for as long as possible...

A need is different.. You cant do without it.. You have to have it to survive.. You rely on it... It consumes your mind and actions because you have to have it to survive... You don't need me to survive... You don't need anything I have to offer.. Love, companionship, partner in crime, etc... You don't need any of them... But if you wanted them..? Man... I just want you to want me as much as I want you... And honestly... If we are the best friends we claim to be, this will work and if it doesn't, we won't lose a thing... But this is just me wanting to be wanted.... By you and only you

K. I. N. G.

Thinking...

God doesn't force His love on people... So who am I to do so?

Rambling Man pt 2

Every time I leave her presence.. I worry.. Did I say everything right? Did I make her happy? Was she smiling because she had a good time or because it's over? Am I doing a good job? Does she have faith in us? Did I offend her?These questions run through my mind every time.. And.. I don't necessarily think that it's a bad thing...

I don't want to lose that feeling.. The feeling that she is an adult and can make her own decisions and one might be to leave.. The knowledge that, yes I'm an amazing guy, but a woman deserves more than that, and, assuming she'll stay because you're a gentleman is foolish... The feeling that I can lose her, because knowing and understanding this can help make sure I do everything in my power to keep that from happening.. I want to get more confident and comfortable with all of it but I never want to get too comfy like before... I got lax... I thought our past was enough, I didn't think she'd dip, I assumed wrong...

Maybe not this close to the edge but close enough to realize that every time I'm with her, could be my last time with her. I want to make sure she has an amazing time and never forgets these memories we share.. I know you can't rush something you want to last forever and she might decide to leave me one day... But while she's here, I'll never let a day go by without letting her know she's the most amazing person to enter my life and, after these events, she'll never forget me, no matter how far she goes..

K. I. N. G.

I Wonder

*this is 2 months late.. *

I'm starting to wonder...
If wondering about my future is a blunder
If wandering eyes should be torn from under
If, after this time, I've lost my thunder..
If I'm even ready for this.. I wonder...

Life is teaching
And I hope I'm not reaching
But life is beseeching
Me to push and keep seeking
Even when I'm told its reeking
And that I won't be reaping
Anything... I'm still reaching...

When it's dark as shit
And shit aint the same shit I started with
And the shit hits the fan and I say my first word..
Shit
Shit still, somehow, makes sense

Maybe that's why I still
Don't question how I feel
Why my love for you is so real
Really realized that realization by being still
Silent... I'm not worried about the future
More about a bill

See, I wondered, what if I'm wrong?
What if this is the same old love song?
What if she leaves and cheats? Won't be long
What if she's like everybody else?
What if I'm wrong... Again?
Back and forth like pong
But even Aaliyah came to a consensus in her song

I was wrong, wrong to question
How much time will it take to learn my lesson?
11 years fam, and I almost lost my blessing
Sitting and second guessing...
Shit man I wasted 4 months stressing...
Shit

But it's not wrong to wonder
Only wrong to let it tear you asunder
Only wrong to let it change you brother

K. I. N. G.

Time

I find myself afraid... This fear is based on the choice of another and not my own.. Without giving too much away, I'm worried I've ruined something.. Something I've waited most of my adult life for... Someone that has been a constant reminder of how real God is.. Someone that has helped me with depression.. Someone that pushes me like no other... Someone I wanted to take that next step with... The ball is in her court now  and I'm afraid.. Why?

Well, I've been in similar situations before, not with her, but I've been down this road... And it always comes to a fork... Where she chooses to either believe in me or leave.. That's what it boils down to in my opinion, belief that this relationship is worth time and effort, if I'm worth that time and effort.. And it usually ends with her picking the "leave Dre" option. It's usually for a multitude of different things, they're cheating, I'm "too nice", she's moving to another state, etc. This time though.. It's.. Different...

There is time this time, friendship that runs deep.. 11 years deep.. 132 months of getting to know one another..  572 weeks of misunderstandings being solved with proper communication.. Roughly 4015 days (not counting leap years, it's late) of long talks about dreams and desires... 96360 hours of helping one another with relationships outside of ours.. 5782140 minutes of praying and seeking God on one another's behalf to ensure what we were speaking to the other came from Him... 346328400 seconds of mental clarity and comprehension of one another due to a willingness to learn more and more about one another... Time man...

Time... Its a funny concept because when one thinks of time spent in the manner that I have, the time coming takes a backseat.. I've taken time for granted, and made an asshat of myself, so now time is against me... Now, I'm waiting for her not to be angry, waiting and counting minutes and hours until it's ok to talk to her about my job hunt or the studio session tonight... Waiting... And pretending too; pretending the wait isn't bothering me or that it's making me nervous that I might have to get ready for a major rejection because time past isn't going to make up for time to come...

Not to sound pessimistic, but this time.. Time is killing me and, I'm waiting but time is passing and I'm not the type to rush... I'm rambling on now but I'm getting more comfortable writing these things out... She even helps me when our future is in doubt... Crazy... Anyway, with pride out of the way.. I can see clearly that this time, time will take its time and the perfect timing of her timely decision will decide where my mind will spend it's... Well time... Until that time... I'm in time out... Not overreacting from things I can't control but being Dre... I've learned that that's the best thing I can do at this time.. I pray that this time is different... 

~be easy

I Cannot Be Afraid

I Cannot Be Afraid
I cannot be afraid of the unknown.
I cannot be afraid of failure.
I cannot be afraid of falling short.
I cannot be afraid of rejection.
I cannot be afraid of depression.
I cannot be afraid of people’s feelings towards me.
I cannot be afraid of her.
I cannot be afraid of what I might say to screw this up.
I cannot be afraid of temptation.
I cannot be afraid of trials.
I cannot be afraid of sin.
I cannot be afraid of not getting what I want.
I cannot be afraid of my friends bailing out on me.
I cannot be afraid of death.
I cannot be afraid of fear.
I cannot be afraid of lacking.
I cannot be afraid of not having enough money.
I cannot be afraid to pray when my mind tells me to.
I cannot be afraid of being wrong.
I cannot be afraid of God not accepting me for who I am.
I cannot be afraid of this joy I have found in Him.
I cannot be afraid of talking to people.
I cannot be afraid of meeting parents.
I cannot be afraid of missing important events.
I cannot be afraid of being forgotten.
I cannot be afraid of not hearing what God says.
I cannot be afraid of anything…..


God is and has always there for me, therefore, I have nothing to fear.










- T. Sanders

Mental Clarity..

I overreact.. A lot, like, a lot more than people see or realize. I found why a few weeks ago in a discussion with my mom's when she told me that I never really went without... When I was a kid, I never heard no, not yet, nah, you're not getting this, it's not going to happen, etc. All forms of rejection were foreign to me because they never wanted me to feel like I missed out on something. They didn't want me feeling like I lacked anything growing up outside of a male to call dad. How many people know and realize this is a mistake?

As a human, rejection is inevitable, it comes in the form of a board of educators that doesn't believe you will buckle down and get work done, a car salesman that thinks your trade in is a lemon, that waitress that let's you know you haven't been budgeting correctly and that women you consider the love of your life walking away from you. Rejection happens, it's life and people need to learn, in my opinion, from a young age how to deal with it. Guess who is having to teach himself now?

I've come to terms with the fact that I am not a complete person, I don't know everything about why I tick and I don't think that's a bad thing. What is bad however, is my overreacting to situations I have no control over. See, overreacting can been seen as fear, pride, a mix of the two and mentally weakness and instability. Myself, I believe it to be the latter (instability because these hands aint no joke patna) .

I'm not writing this looking for pity, it's mostly because I operate better when I write things out. I know and realize that I have this issue, and now I have to deal with it. How? I'm not sure, only like 5 people read this thing so I'm not even looking for comments. I plan on researching the topic and finding a method that suits me. I have to get over this.. This.. Silliness.. It mat have caused me to lose someone important to me today, and, if so, I'll have no one to blame but myself.

I could look at my upbringing but I'm turning 28 this year, and my issues are mine and mine alone. It's not their fault and it's not their burden, it's mine. If my words and actions hurt her, all I can do is pray that she forgives me and that one day she'll know that I'm working on it, but it's not easy to work on something you're afraid to admit or don't realize exists... Yall just pray for me and pray for her too

~ be easy

Rambling Man pt 1

You know what bothers me a little? When I hear the following statement, "man, if I was alive then, I would_________". I hear that a lot from black people whenever something slavery related is on. A lot of threats towards whites, "I wouldn't be doing this", "fuck all that ", etc. I'm guilty of it too to be honest but it bothers me. The statements don't bother me, hell I've said it, but it's the hidden meaning in what you're saying.

Take slavery for instance. With my CURRENT DAY mindset, hell yes I'm going to say I wouldn't be doing that shit. I've never been whipped, I've never had my mom and sister raped in front of me, I've never lost a digit or ligament, I've never been sold, I've never watched family members be split up, I've never had a slave owner, mom's doesn't count, look over me with a gun, none of that shit. Nah, I'm just a black kid from Pleasant Grove that knows how to read and write and has a degree in history. I didn't grow up with all of those things.

When I hear people saying what they would and wouldn't do, it offends me because you are demeaning those that went through it in my opinion (my opinion), and that's not fair. Some of our ancestors didn't even know the joy that is reading and you're treating their struggle to survive in such an environment as them just being weak scared. Well, if you were them your ass would be working too sadly, or dead, and that's all there is to it.

Wouldn't be any revolts, random slapping white women on the ass, cussing out massa, none of that shit. Your ass would be hung before noon fam.

Petty thing to dislike? Sure, but shit, I'm just rambling.

K. I. N. G.

Cant sleep..

It's not the obvious reasons either.. In wife awake at 3:40 thinking about her

Dreaming

Think about your favorite superhero, who is it? Batman, Superman, Wolverine? Mine is a tie actually, hard to pick between Batman and Spiderman but usually, it's Bruce Wayne that wins the tie breaker. What do most of them have in common? When there is evil, they save the day. Period.

Anyway, I had a dream that I was one, a variant of Spiderman, and the victim I was trying to save was my sister. I don't remember what it was I was trying to save her from but, no matter what I did, she wouldn't let me. I begged, yelled, even tried to force her to let me save her and she denied me, every time. I grew frustrated because I thought, "only I can save her, I know what to do, I doubt she can do it herself, she'll end up dead and everyone will blame me". In my dream, my mom told me that sometimes you have to trust people to save themselves and worry more about doing the same for yourself. It kinda hit me that this is me. I put myself in this "savior" position with a lot of people, frustrating the living hell out of myself, and for what? For them to ignore my pleading, my help, my advice and go on and do what they were going to do regardless.

The harsh reality I draw from my dream is, I can't save the world and the main person I need to be worried about saving is myself. Might seem elementary to some, but I've never lived this way and it is something I'm need to adjust to, but I'm ready to do so. I'm ready to worry more about Dre than what the hell people are doing to ruin themselves. No sense in losing more hair stressing about someone else's bad decisions, right?

Oh, and if you were wondering, my sister saved herself and told me she loved me afterwards, then said, "learn to love yourself more Bro Bro".

K. I. N. G.

Confession

I'm nervous because every woman I've fallen for runs from me after 3 months